Death of the twin

March 9th, 2018

Twins

I never got to see you but I felt you and knew you. Our energy was together so strongly – you were supposed to come into this life with me. It was toxic and hard though and you gave up – you left me. I was not supposed to enter this world alone. After you were gone I was all alone but I didn’t give up,I never give up. I did what we were supposed to do together. But god I’m angry at you sometimes, why couldn’t you stick it out and survive. So everytime someone near me takes their life, I feel the pain of losing you and wonder how I could have stopped it. I’m terrified of losing someone else that way who I love. If I’d known the pain you were in could I have changed it?

Goodbye dear dis-ease

February 9th, 2018

As I feel my body come back to life, there is fear. Why is there sadness and fear as I release this dis-ease? I want to let it go completely but in shedding it I will never be the same again. Every time it goes to leave my body, the emotions along with it flood through me but no longer stick. I let them leave. It’s been a part of me a long time and at this point I have accepted and befriended it but it’s time to let it go. You’d think I was scared to let it go completely – perhaps I am. It’s shown me that I am loved and supported more than I ever have known. It has shown me that I am strong enough to make it through hell and back. A bit will live in my hands forever as a reminder. I will never go back to where I was and what I was. The path forward is unknown. But I’m ready for this new chapter and where it takes me. It is time to accept that I can be loved, for real this time, to trust someone to be there alongside me. It’s time for me to not retreat in fear or cling to things that don’t serve me out of fear. It’s time to venture into new lands I have not walked before – lands of peace, support, love, stability, flow, and hope. You have been my friend and my enemy but it is time to say goodbye – I need to be strong again. Go back to the source where you originated – I thank you for the gifts you have given me.

Perfect day

January 15th, 2018

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like life is perfect? Today the world was so beautiful, the sun was shining, the air was warm. Looking out at the sound and the mountains in all directions. I laughed with someone I love. My body is healing, I’m doing the impossible, the world is a mystery to me, but beyond any doubt I will beat this. Where I go after that? Something new, more helping people. A chapter in my life is ending and a new one is beginning. Dare I think that things might actually get even better than this? Yes.

It takes a man

January 6th, 2018

It takes a man, it can only take a man, when you are fragile and weak and powerless, to take all your energy away again and to make you feel worse.

If it takes a man to take away all your energy, it can take another man to give it back to you.

-Federico Bitti

Thank you Joaquin and Jon

How is it?

December 31st, 2017

How is it that joy and miracles always come out of the hardest off times? How is it that illness can cure you? How is it that we are challenged but in the end we learn and grow? How is it that life is such a mystery yet there is undeniably a loving power behind it that makes everything right?

Wonder

December 27th, 2017

Heart opening from a land, not here. Magical beings who know have to perform miracles better than me. Once I thought I knew something, today I know it is just a small part of the story. The story unfolds one piece at a time, so beautifully put together that it’s impossible not to pause in wonder. A rose with a thousand petals that come together in a perfectly imperfect way to open the path to joy. God’s hand gently placed on the earth to guide us as everything comes to the surface to be cleansed and healed.

Eternal Flame

December 23rd, 2017

Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same
Am I only dreaming
Is this burning an eternal flame

I believe it’s meant to be, darling
I watch you when you are sleeping
You belong with me
Do you feel the same
Am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame

Say my name sun shines through the rain
A whole life so lonely
And then you come and ease the pain
I don’t want to lose this feeling

Stranger than fiction

December 23rd, 2017

The world is a truly bizarre place so much more than can even be imagined.

Strange Girl

December 21st, 2017

It was an old song,
From “Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me” that she sang.
It was an old line,
I kept with me, with me, with me when she rang
You’re such a strange girl,
You’re such a strange, strange girl.
You’re such a strange girl.
It’s all been embraced (?)
Everyone is telling me,
It’s slightly deranged,
Everyone is telling me.
We traded blindness for wisdom
And some lines around the eyes.
But you just act like it was a fact of life
It didn’t come as a surprise.
You’re such a strange girl,
You’re such a strange, strange girl.
You’re such a strange girl.
And no you can’t ever go home.
Everything has changed and the people are gone.
So close your eyes and summon up the song
And you feel your life falling under you like a slide
Like a slide
It was an old song,
I once knew every note and every line.
It was a long night,
When I carried you and you carried me for a time.
You’re such a strange girl,
You’re such a strange, strange girl.
You’re such a strange girl.
It’s all been embraced (?)
Everyone is telling me,
It’s slightly deranged,
Everyone is telling me.
I dreamt of your face
And what the song was telling me
For time has made it all obscene
And trapped us in our dreams

The best things/people/animals

December 18th, 2017

Often times when we aren’t seeking, the right things arrive in our lives even though we don’t think we are ready for them. Who am I to know what I want or need? My only job is to stay open to what comes and stay in the moment.